Mild and Insignificant Annoyances

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."

Either way, you can.  Choose.  I am the embodiment of both pessimism and optimism in all their glory.  I praise the good Lord constantly for the blessings in my life.  I relish in the guiltless freedom to complain about meaningless annoyances throughout my day.  Let's review two of these from today.

Annoyance #1: People who follow lame rules only because they are rules.  Yes, I fault you for complying to some of society's simple rules (a few may be known as "laws" by some... details!).  An example of this is something I experience every day on my commute home.  Those annoying on-ramp stoplights should be turned off to save energy and money for the city.  Instead, it serves the purpose to make me wait in a line to wait in rush hour traffic.  I especially love the car who will wait patiently for the light to change all by themselves.  Dear Useless Light, I fart in your general direction as I drive through your redness.
(Here is a great reference in case you're fascinated by this topic and need more in depth analysis: http://nexus.umn.edu/papers/waitingtolerance.pdf)

Annoyance #2: People who forget to wear deodorant.  I may be more annoyed with my lack of courage to tell the daily offender about his distracting odor.  Seriously though, how do you not smell yourself Stinky Man?!  (http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/)

Embrace these little annoyances.  Allow yourself to get pissed off at pointless stupid things occassionally.  Perpetual optimism can get boring.

Neither Hair Nor Thair

I have recently taken some baby steps into the world of beauty augmentation.  As a woman with European heritage I have been graced with facial hair suitable for a teenage boy's baby face.  Jealous?  Understandable!  Thankfully, Groupon has answered my prayers and I bought a laser hair removal package for my goatee.  I am two treatments in to the process and the results are slowly but surely coming along.

Baby Step 1:
Let me explain the experience of killing hair follicles.  I walk into the calm and beautiful waiting area to hear looped infomercials about other beauty enhancing treatments.  I drink some ice water and eat some minty candies while I await my treatment.  It is very serene and spa-like with dim lighting and warm, comfortable air.  I am taken back into a room with a table very similar to the one I have laid on many times while my hairs are ripped from my face.  The "doctor" (I really have no clue if she is even a real doctor or not and I guess I don't care as long as she kills my follicules) points out the offending hairs she can see and asks how I like shaving my face since I am no longer alllowed to pluck or wax.  I no longer feel serene.  Bitch.  She slathers my goatee in ultrasound gel and asks if I am ready to begin.  She places the laser on my face and pulls the trigger.  Have you ever tried putting your tongue on a battery?  That feeling is what my face feels like times ten.  Over and over for 5 minutes.  Every once in a while I have the pleasure of smelling a burned hair signifying the last breath of a dying follicle.  Die you hairy bastard, DIE!  In less than ten minutes after my arrival I am back in my car and on with my day.  No redness.  No soreness other than knowing I will still be shaving my face for the next 8 months.  Disgusting.  C'est la vie.

Baby Step 2:
So it appears that the looped infomercials I watched while waiting worked.  I purchased a month supply of Latisse.  That's right, I have just purchased something that is supposed to make hair grow on my face while at an appointment to remove hair from my face.  Ironic.  But how awesome will it be to have Snuffalupagus eyelashes and a naked chin?!  Every night I swipe some liquid over my lash line and look to see if any new eyelashes are appearing yet.  I hope I don't drip any on my chin.  Sheesh.

Baby Step 3:
Should I get hair extensions?  Thick, dark brown, luxurious locks?  Sounds wonderful but why does removing a few small hairs on my face all of a sudden trigger something in my brain that makes me want to add hair to all other areas of my head?  How ridiculously expensive and time consuming is this idea?  I will do my best to stave off my desire to call the Hair Police.  Save me from myself.

Stay tuned for a report on my hair removal/enhancement process.  The results are sure to be HAIR-RAISING! Ha!

My Heart and My Money

I am going to make a futile attempt at convincing myself to be thankful for all that I have.  First, the set up:

Depositing $2,000.00 into your checking account and seeing your balance at $102.10 is disheartening.  It feels a little like doing a cannonball into a freezing cold lake.  It’s like being bitch slapped by Suzi Orman. You are DENIED!  It feels like what I imagine the Fed feels like every day they walk into work.  It is, most certainly, less than ideal.

But hey, its money and I can make more.  I have my health, my family, and my friends.  I have a job and a home.  I look around and have so many things to be thankful for… Right, I get it.  I know these things are true and I live such a blessed life.  How dare I complain and whine when there are people dying and starving and naked, drinking in rivers where animals piss and shit… Blah, blah, blah.  Queue the First World elitist sob story.

Maybe a therapist would help me feel more empowered about bearing the weight of being a successful career woman raising an adorable and amazing daughter on my own, running a household and managing anything anyone can throw at her.  But I can’t leave a therapist’s office with bags of fabulous new clothes and shoes and makeup.  I am all about immediate gratification and ROI so I take a Zoloft and head to the mall.

I could write a country song about it: I’m just a mama doin’ it alooooooone ::twang twang:: I got me a sick doggy with some sick vet bills  ::twang twang:: Poor lil ol’ me headin’ west to wine country, workin’ hard to make it in a man’s world.  ::Twang twang twang:: … Or not.

It is true that the definition of success is personal and evolving and not necessarily always reasonable.  My current success is measured on a careful work-life balance, a tipsy teeter totter with my heart on one side and a dollar sign on the other.  It is driven, to a fault, by monetary gains and material acquisitions.  It is weighted on career accolades and promotion.  This side of the teeter totter is boring and too important.  Of course the other side of success is filled with happiness and smiles and fun… And temper tantrums and gossipy venting and a struggle to maintain a reasonable social life while trying not to get too fat in the process. Ah, sweet success.

I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will not veil my misgivings or mistakes and I will celebrate my success and embrace my true self.  I will give myself credit where credit is due.  I will do the right thing.  I will be there for the people most important in my life.  I will be successful.