My Eyes Closed

Untamed Heart

I close my eyes and I can feel my heart beating strong under years of thick scar tissue. 

Lovers come and lovers gone, leave traces of their sweetness. Erasing bitterness. 

Secret moments shared. Beginnings middles and ends tangled into gentle grins of fond memories. 

Most importantly kept inside my soul, like pandoras box, a fire remains so much more contained. Wisdom and experience drown out vulnerability and escape. 

I close my eyes to recall sweet days of ignorance and adoration. I close my eyes hoping to awaken. 

Wrapped up in my cocoon I wait to see what is to come. Like a snake shedding its skin, I pray for renewal and remembrance. My heart beats ever-steadily, strongly like a one-man marching band. 

I pray. Breathe. Sleep. 

New Year's Resolutions: Short Term Goal Setting

I have never been very fond of New Year's resolutions because I already had my own goals in progress.  I didn't feel I needed that extra push to get me where I wanted to be.  Now that I have achieved the two stretch goals I set for myself in my twenties, I spent my 30th year enjoying the fruits of my labor.

I find myself thinking more and more about what my next big goal should be.  When I sit daydreaming and pondering this in all my free time (read: the 5 minutes between when I finally put all electronic devices out of reach and my head hits my pillow) I come up empty.  I'm coasting and it feels nice but since when am I happy with just "nice"?

I am dedicating 2012 to self-discovery.  I am going to find something, somehow, that drives passion within me and ignites a new level of dimension within my spirit.  Fancy.  Let me start with a brain exercise.  Free word association, what makes me tick? What do I wish made me tick?

Love, friendship, money, stuff, no stuff, philanthropy, patience, integrity, compassion, zen, grace, Grace, faith, good-sense, generosity, introspection, strength, focus, creativity, cooking, eating better/less, health, prosperity, quality, family, simplify, meditation

And stop.

Now that I've spent the last 60 seconds spewing words onto this page there are a few areas that pique my interest.  Family is my foundation.  I feel like it is always there and I rarely take it for granted.  I am pulled more toward an essence of who I am and who I am evolving to be.  Grace, generosity and introspection.  I hope you see some of this in me already.  I know I can do better.  I am light-hearted mostly but I have a depth that some people get to see.  I am very sensitive when others judge my emotional side.  I get better and better at screening the depth of my emotion the older I get.  I don't know if I like it.  It is protective and controlling.  Some may call it maturity.  I am hoping that by blogging and writing more I am stretching the softly callous and insensitivity I have worked into some areas of my life.  It is my hope to be more mindful and aware.  I am proud to be a strongly empathetic person who is genuine and honest.  I am true to my values but I lack patience in some instances.

I could pontificate all day about what drives me and what annoys me.  That would get really boring.  I like action.  I want things to move forward.  For 2012 I am setting one short term goal per month for the entire year, experiments if you will.

My points for pontification for 2012 are as follows:

January - Financial Health I: An experiment in savings
This is really about living below my means.  How much can I really save in one month?  How much potential is there for me to be more fiscally responsible than our current government.  Ok wait, setting my goals higher than that should not be difficult!

February - Love and Relationships (cliche for February, I know)
Independent to a fault and living a wonderful fulfilled life.  I need to think more about what this means to me.

March - Healthy Eating
Experiment with ways to make every day healthy eating less annoying.

April - Financial Health II (an experiment in investments)
Bonus check cashed, what to do with it?!  Invest? Shopping spree? Travel?

May - Healthy Living
Focus on not making excuses for incorporating exercise in my life.

June - Philanthropy
Donating my time to charitable causes was always so important to me.  With a busy life, this has fallen to the wayside.  Now is the time to show Ava what giving is all about and remind myself of the importance of sharing time and resources with those who need it most.

July - Religion and Faith
Hmm, this will be interesting.  I'll have to think on this one.

August - Reflection and Meditation
Maybe I should move this one before Religion and Faith. LOL

September - Growing patience
Patience and understanding.  Taking a deep breath and counting to 10.  Remembering lessons learned in August.

October - Career Goals
This is completely open-ended.

November - Discover my inner Julia Childs
I think I can, I think I can.  Cook Cook Cook!

December - Traditions, old and new
Being the head of my family means thinking about the importance of traditions.  Which traditions are important to me from my upbringing and what new traditions do I want to build and grow with my own little family?

More to come soon!  I have to go, I only have a couple more days to shop! ;)

Some People Deserve To Be Publicly Shamed.

This is a perfect example of why I am completely happy to be single and fabulous.

Random thoughts about the inefficiencies of humankind

Does hand writing something on a scrap of paper and holding it in a photo you then post onto social media have more of an impact than just typing the damn message on said social media outlet? It seems ridiculously inefficient to me. I began seeing these photos littering the Internet as the Occupy movement began. Maybe it existed before but I hadn't noticed. Ending a rambling rant with a percentage number also rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's the analyst in me. Are these photos a way to make Facebook more "real" or do they exist as a way to identify people who have too much spare time to waste on insignificant meanderings?

Why, oh why, do you ask me to do something you then proceed to complete yourself without withdrawing your request? If you want to race to see who can finish first just say so and we can have some fun with it. If you're just inefficient than please tell me why you insist on taking me down with you? Also, please tell me if this is a "skill" I must learn to earn a paycheck as big as yours.

On the same track, why do you give me false deadlines for projects? Do you realize how this affects the list of other "urgent" priorities you have given to me? I am guessing you are not aware that you are doing this. Self awareness is important. There are many books that are helpful guides. I also recommend meditation.

In the time it takes you to call me/email me/text me the directions for a simple request you could have done it yourself. Just sayin'.

Doing something nice for someone takes the same amount of time it takes to do something out of spite and the power of positivity lingers with you. i.e. putting $20 in the red kettle versus keying the dumb bitch's car who took your parking spot. Karma, juju, vibes... Be good. Santa is watching. Do it for yourself if for no one else.

I'd love to hear your experiences with inefficiencies with humankind. Let it all out. It feels good.

My Heart

My daughter is gifted.  She has the ability to calm me when life makes me rage.  She brings happiness and comfort to those in her life.  People are drawn to her spirit and energy.  These are amazing accomplishments for a three year old.  Her attributes are above and beyond the feelings of love brought by the innocence of a child.  There is a light found within her soul that is truly magical.  She is one of few people in this world who have the ability to bring out the best in others, to make them feel they are special and loved when the rest of the world is trying to prove their faults.

Ava’s feet are firmly planted to the ground and her heart has bloomed huge, illustrious and majestic wings lifting her beautifully, gracefully to her full potential each day.  She wants those around her to see the world as she does.  She wants us all to have the empathy and compassion she feels.  She believes we all have it within ourselves to achieve our full potential.

Ava is a kind, deliberate leader.  There is strength in her eyes and in her heart.  She is destined for greatness.  I am filled with immense pride as I witness to what has just begun to unfold.  She is my partner in personal growth.  She is my reminder that good will ALWAYS trump bad.  She is my light.  She is my heart.

Mild and Insignificant Annoyances

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."

Either way, you can.  Choose.  I am the embodiment of both pessimism and optimism in all their glory.  I praise the good Lord constantly for the blessings in my life.  I relish in the guiltless freedom to complain about meaningless annoyances throughout my day.  Let's review two of these from today.

Annoyance #1: People who follow lame rules only because they are rules.  Yes, I fault you for complying to some of society's simple rules (a few may be known as "laws" by some... details!).  An example of this is something I experience every day on my commute home.  Those annoying on-ramp stoplights should be turned off to save energy and money for the city.  Instead, it serves the purpose to make me wait in a line to wait in rush hour traffic.  I especially love the car who will wait patiently for the light to change all by themselves.  Dear Useless Light, I fart in your general direction as I drive through your redness.
(Here is a great reference in case you're fascinated by this topic and need more in depth analysis: http://nexus.umn.edu/papers/waitingtolerance.pdf)

Annoyance #2: People who forget to wear deodorant.  I may be more annoyed with my lack of courage to tell the daily offender about his distracting odor.  Seriously though, how do you not smell yourself Stinky Man?!  (http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2010/11/18/memo-to-all-employees/)

Embrace these little annoyances.  Allow yourself to get pissed off at pointless stupid things occassionally.  Perpetual optimism can get boring.

Neither Hair Nor Thair

I have recently taken some baby steps into the world of beauty augmentation.  As a woman with European heritage I have been graced with facial hair suitable for a teenage boy's baby face.  Jealous?  Understandable!  Thankfully, Groupon has answered my prayers and I bought a laser hair removal package for my goatee.  I am two treatments in to the process and the results are slowly but surely coming along.

Baby Step 1:
Let me explain the experience of killing hair follicles.  I walk into the calm and beautiful waiting area to hear looped infomercials about other beauty enhancing treatments.  I drink some ice water and eat some minty candies while I await my treatment.  It is very serene and spa-like with dim lighting and warm, comfortable air.  I am taken back into a room with a table very similar to the one I have laid on many times while my hairs are ripped from my face.  The "doctor" (I really have no clue if she is even a real doctor or not and I guess I don't care as long as she kills my follicules) points out the offending hairs she can see and asks how I like shaving my face since I am no longer alllowed to pluck or wax.  I no longer feel serene.  Bitch.  She slathers my goatee in ultrasound gel and asks if I am ready to begin.  She places the laser on my face and pulls the trigger.  Have you ever tried putting your tongue on a battery?  That feeling is what my face feels like times ten.  Over and over for 5 minutes.  Every once in a while I have the pleasure of smelling a burned hair signifying the last breath of a dying follicle.  Die you hairy bastard, DIE!  In less than ten minutes after my arrival I am back in my car and on with my day.  No redness.  No soreness other than knowing I will still be shaving my face for the next 8 months.  Disgusting.  C'est la vie.

Baby Step 2:
So it appears that the looped infomercials I watched while waiting worked.  I purchased a month supply of Latisse.  That's right, I have just purchased something that is supposed to make hair grow on my face while at an appointment to remove hair from my face.  Ironic.  But how awesome will it be to have Snuffalupagus eyelashes and a naked chin?!  Every night I swipe some liquid over my lash line and look to see if any new eyelashes are appearing yet.  I hope I don't drip any on my chin.  Sheesh.

Baby Step 3:
Should I get hair extensions?  Thick, dark brown, luxurious locks?  Sounds wonderful but why does removing a few small hairs on my face all of a sudden trigger something in my brain that makes me want to add hair to all other areas of my head?  How ridiculously expensive and time consuming is this idea?  I will do my best to stave off my desire to call the Hair Police.  Save me from myself.

Stay tuned for a report on my hair removal/enhancement process.  The results are sure to be HAIR-RAISING! Ha!