I have recently taken some baby steps into the world of beauty augmentation. As a woman with European heritage I have been graced with facial hair suitable for a teenage boy's baby face. Jealous? Understandable! Thankfully, Groupon has answered my prayers and I bought a laser hair removal package for my goatee. I am two treatments in to the process and the results are slowly but surely coming along.
Baby Step 1:
Let me explain the experience of killing hair follicles. I walk into the calm and beautiful waiting area to hear looped infomercials about other beauty enhancing treatments. I drink some ice water and eat some minty candies while I await my treatment. It is very serene and spa-like with dim lighting and warm, comfortable air. I am taken back into a room with a table very similar to the one I have laid on many times while my hairs are ripped from my face. The "doctor" (I really have no clue if she is even a real doctor or not and I guess I don't care as long as she kills my follicules) points out the offending hairs she can see and asks how I like shaving my face since I am no longer alllowed to pluck or wax. I no longer feel serene. Bitch. She slathers my goatee in ultrasound gel and asks if I am ready to begin. She places the laser on my face and pulls the trigger. Have you ever tried putting your tongue on a battery? That feeling is what my face feels like times ten. Over and over for 5 minutes. Every once in a while I have the pleasure of smelling a burned hair signifying the last breath of a dying follicle. Die you hairy bastard, DIE! In less than ten minutes after my arrival I am back in my car and on with my day. No redness. No soreness other than knowing I will still be shaving my face for the next 8 months. Disgusting. C'est la vie.
Baby Step 2:
So it appears that the looped infomercials I watched while waiting worked. I purchased a month supply of Latisse. That's right, I have just purchased something that is supposed to make hair grow on my face while at an appointment to remove hair from my face. Ironic. But how awesome will it be to have Snuffalupagus eyelashes and a naked chin?! Every night I swipe some liquid over my lash line and look to see if any new eyelashes are appearing yet. I hope I don't drip any on my chin. Sheesh.
Baby Step 3:
Should I get hair extensions? Thick, dark brown, luxurious locks? Sounds wonderful but why does removing a few small hairs on my face all of a sudden trigger something in my brain that makes me want to add hair to all other areas of my head? How ridiculously expensive and time consuming is this idea? I will do my best to stave off my desire to call the Hair Police. Save me from myself.
Stay tuned for a report on my hair removal/enhancement process. The results are sure to be HAIR-RAISING! Ha!
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