My Heart and My Money

I am going to make a futile attempt at convincing myself to be thankful for all that I have.  First, the set up:

Depositing $2,000.00 into your checking account and seeing your balance at $102.10 is disheartening.  It feels a little like doing a cannonball into a freezing cold lake.  It’s like being bitch slapped by Suzi Orman. You are DENIED!  It feels like what I imagine the Fed feels like every day they walk into work.  It is, most certainly, less than ideal.

But hey, its money and I can make more.  I have my health, my family, and my friends.  I have a job and a home.  I look around and have so many things to be thankful for… Right, I get it.  I know these things are true and I live such a blessed life.  How dare I complain and whine when there are people dying and starving and naked, drinking in rivers where animals piss and shit… Blah, blah, blah.  Queue the First World elitist sob story.

Maybe a therapist would help me feel more empowered about bearing the weight of being a successful career woman raising an adorable and amazing daughter on my own, running a household and managing anything anyone can throw at her.  But I can’t leave a therapist’s office with bags of fabulous new clothes and shoes and makeup.  I am all about immediate gratification and ROI so I take a Zoloft and head to the mall.

I could write a country song about it: I’m just a mama doin’ it alooooooone ::twang twang:: I got me a sick doggy with some sick vet bills  ::twang twang:: Poor lil ol’ me headin’ west to wine country, workin’ hard to make it in a man’s world.  ::Twang twang twang:: … Or not.

It is true that the definition of success is personal and evolving and not necessarily always reasonable.  My current success is measured on a careful work-life balance, a tipsy teeter totter with my heart on one side and a dollar sign on the other.  It is driven, to a fault, by monetary gains and material acquisitions.  It is weighted on career accolades and promotion.  This side of the teeter totter is boring and too important.  Of course the other side of success is filled with happiness and smiles and fun… And temper tantrums and gossipy venting and a struggle to maintain a reasonable social life while trying not to get too fat in the process. Ah, sweet success.

I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will not veil my misgivings or mistakes and I will celebrate my success and embrace my true self.  I will give myself credit where credit is due.  I will do the right thing.  I will be there for the people most important in my life.  I will be successful.